1: The SNIFF test. Do not lie to me you've done it. Getting all ready to go and meet the lad you've been snapchatting for 2 weeks, you look bomb as fuck and makeup on fleek but do the goods smell good? A little rub and sniff never hurt no one, you dont want to risk getting freaky with a beaver that doesn't smell perfect.
2: Stalk. I do more stalking on Facebook than I do anything else. Hmm was Sophie this pretty in 2001? Wait when did Katie grow those melons because there's a gap between that photo in which she looks a B cup and this one where she's a double F? HANG ABOUT, Jessica has edited that photo? Ain't no doors that bend like that girl. It's great stalking until you accidently like Sophies picture of her and her Gran from a year ago and you legit shit your pants.
3: Wear a tampon for more than 4 hours. IT HAPPENS. We are vile humans. We are only saving ourself though right? Like you know when you pull out a dry tampon and it feels like you're pulling away your cervix along with it because it hurts that much? Logical thinking.
4: Get ready just to take a decent profile picture. Literally take 100 photos and only save one. Full face of makeup, a pretty top = selfie ready. In reality your sitting in trackie bottoms and the moment you bag yourself a good pic you have the BABY WIPES at the ready, yep baby wipes not makeup wipes.
5: Have 10 bras but only ever wear the one that makes your boobs like big. Meh haven't washed this bra in a week but I am going to town so who gives a fuck? No body got time for B sized boobs today.
6: Wear the same clothes for as many days as you can get away with. Literally think I hold record for wearing the same pair of leggings all week. Hmm do they smell alright? It's ok, i'll spray them with some dove.
7: Those farts you do that ride up your muff line? NOT TO BE MISTAKEN FOR A QUEEF. It comes out your bum but travels through your Vjay, like a bubble. Comes out one end then slides to another.
8: Tug our pubic hair when we 'forget' to shave or twiddle it round with our fingers. Yes we let it grow that long on the odd occasion, we never let it get TOO long though only long enough to maybe mistake it for a small dog. ONLY A SMALL DOG THOUGH, think a little Shih Tzu.
9: Using our boobs to keep our hands warm, and playing with them for that matter.
10: Get excited when we see a spot in hope it'll get a whitehead just so we can pop them. NOTHING BETTER THAN A BIG WHITE SPOT.
Written by Chloe Todd