The weight gain we nearly all experience, the remote control throw and the lovely stench of shit from your not so lovely boyfriend. It's a love hate. WE LOVE TO HATE THEM.
I cannot even tell you how much weight I gained since being in a realationship. I had never felt comfortable eating around boys so when I finally plucked up the courage to eat around my fella I felt great, I felt so great that I became an unstoppable eating machine. The amount of kebabs, extra large pasta portions and dominos I consumed was embarrasing. I was very much in denial that I was gaining weight, it wasn't until I was on holiday and me mam took a picture of me doing bow and arrow (THAT IS CORRECT) I realised I had developed the dreaded under gut. "Babe, shall we have a cosy night and get a pizza?", "I can't be bothered to cook tonight, chinese babe?","SWEETS ARE A MUST FOR X FACTOR FINAL". Do not fall into this trap ladies, it's dangerous.
If you have never lobbed the remote full pelt at your partners head then are you really even a couple? You know when they are really fucking pissing you off because they're insisting Sharon Osbourne was born in the 1800's but you full well know she wasn't and all you can see is their scrawny little heads so BAM, there's nothing that fufills satisfaction quite like that. Notice how they remain quiet for the next hour after? Thank me later. (I am in no way comdoning violence, simply not sugar coating non perfect relationships).
Ahh smells, you never forget the memory that comes to you when you whiff the same scent your boyfriend smelt like when you first met. Mine always smelt amazing, he had every aftershave under the sun. Make sure you really take first date smells in ladies because 3 years down the line that is completely over powered by the strong smell of shit. I am 100% not kidding around. That actually brings me on to LOVE PUFFS, SBD'S AND SQUEEKS which are all varitations of MAN FARTS.
VARIATIONS OF FARTS:
Love puffs - the cute little ones, the ones that are soft and gentle, the ones that happen when you're watching eastenders with him, the ones that sound like 'pooooof' (say that with your lips pouted and a slight whisper)
SBD'S - (SILENT.BUT.DEADLY) Not much of an explanation needed for this one, think egg.
SQUEEKS - These one's do not have an allocated smell as they can vary from man to man. These sound almost like a balloon when you pull the end wide, that high pitched sqealing noise.
When you first meet them you are their main focus. You are their gravity, their everything. NOT FOR LONG. You WILL be replaced by Man United, betting and food. The amount of times I have had a conversation and it gets completely warped into something related to Wayne rooney scoring a hat trick.
Girls basically what I am trying to say is, do not fall for their charm or their amazing smell. IT IS A LIE, YOU WILL FALL INTO THE TRAP, YOU WILL FEEL CHEATED AND YOU WILL DIE. Well maybe that one was a tad dramatic but you get my drift. You HAVE been warned.
Written by Chloe Todd